A Partner's Promise
by WriterKC
Summary: Tears continued to fall on his stone as she stared in disbelief at the note that landed in her hair. Written in handwriting she hadn't seen in 7 years were the words "Your instincts had my back for 12 years sweetheart and saved me countless times. Barba is right. You can trust them. I always did. Always remember that I love you, El"
1. Chapter 1

She was exhausted. Her conversation with Barba weighed heavily on her mind for the rest of the day and left her emotionally drained. The ADA was her best friend, and would always have her back. There was no question about that. Still, despite his reassurance that she could trust her instincts, she had her doubts. She loved her little boy, Noah, more than she thought was possible and the thought of losing him after everything she's been through terrified her. The loss she suffered 7 years ago nearly destroyed her, and she didn't think she would survive another goodbye. On the other hand, she struggled with feeling selfish by keeping him from his only connection to his birth mother. She goes back to her desk and opens the bottom drawer; taking out a box she's kept hidden away for times like this. Times when she longed for the other man in her life who still had a piece of her heart she would never get back. She took out the picture that had been placed delicately inside. It was from their first year as partners at the squad's annual Christmas party. He has an arm wrapped around her and they are looking at each other laughing with grins on their faces. She feels a lump in her throat when she sees his warm, loving, signature smile and a tear falls on the frame. 7 years, and it still hurts worse than anything she has ever felt. Not even the pain she suffered at the hands of Lewis could compare to the loss of her partner, her best friend, her rock, her protector, her..everything.

"I miss you so much El." She whispered tearfully, putting the picture back and taking out his Semper Fi necklace he had left for her in his will. It was still painful to talk about him, so she almost never wore it. Afraid someone would ask her about it and she wouldn't be able to control her tears. Days like today though, she needed him close. She needed to feel him by her side even though he couldn't be.

She tried not to blame herself. He had taken a bullet meant for her. A teenage girl, a victim's daughter on one of their cases had walked into the squad room and started shooting. The events of that day are still a blur, but what she remembers clearly is the gun being aimed at her and Elliot dropping his gun and darting in front of her to shield her as it fired. A single shot to the chest took her other half from her that day. She can still hear his voice shouting at her to get out of the way. As much as she tried not to blame herself, she did. She blamed herself for being too shocked to move. If she had moved, Elliot wouldn't have placed himself in the line of fire. She blamed herself for waiting until he was on the ground, fighting for his life to tell him she loved him. She blamed herself for the fact that he used his last breaths to tell her he loved her "more than she would ever know" because she felt like she was the reason he only had a few breaths left in the first place. She got him shot. She didn't deserve his love. She blamed herself for everything about that day. No matter how many times her colleagues tried to convince her otherwise. No matter how many times at his funeral his ex-wife and kids told her they didn't blame her, that he wouldn't either, that he loved her.

She found the box a few months after his funeral, when his kids were cleaning out his stuff and had discovered he had put that together for her and wanted her to have it. Inside was the picture, necklace, and a letter he had written around their 2nd or 3rd year as partners. Telling her that if anything happened to him that he needed her to know that he loved her, always, and unconditionally. He couldn't say anything or act on it because he had a wife and a family, so he wrote that letter instead. So she would know she would always have a part of his heart too. He wrote that he gave her the necklace as a promise that he was always with her, and for the past 7 years, it's been her only connection to the man she loved. She had collapsed to the floor sobbing when she first tried to read it, Cragen ended up reading it to her, though he was struggling to keep it together himself.

She clasped the necklace around her neck and took a deep breath. Trying to remember his scent. And placed the box back in the drawer. She stood up and left her office to head to the courthouse, feeling more strength and stability with Elliot's necklace around her. She wasn't sure if she could trust her instincts on her own as Barba had assured her, but as long as she had a part of her partner with her, she knew she could get through the challenges and heartache of the day.

He may not be able to be by her side, but he'd forever be in her heart.

A/N: Just an idea I had based on the episode earlier this season where Liv and Barba were talking in her office and she asked him "Is my instinct right?" I wondered what Elliot would have answered in that situation..I wonder if she did too.


	2. Chapter 2

She kept his necklace on the whole time she was sitting in family court to keep her grounded as she was grilled with questions about her fitness as a parent. She had always wanted to be a mother, and thought about one of her old cases with Elliot. When she told him the adoption agency didn't see her as "prime parent material" and he had replied "They're wrong."

He would support her if he were here, and she wished for nothing more in that moment. They didn't always agree, like when she had Calvin, but at the end of the day he was there for her. He had her back. He would encourage her to do what she felt was right, and would support her no matter what. This was one of those times she longed for his guidance.

She went home when the hearing was over, deciding to keep his necklace on..taking comfort in the extra strength it seemed to give her. She wondered what he would think of Noah, if he would be proud of her for becoming a mother. She wasn't religious like he was, but she liked to believe there was something after death even if she didn't have a clear opinion on what it was. She did wonder at times if he was watching over her, if he could see her and Noah. If he knew how much she missed him, how much he had meant to her..and still did.

It was Barba, who stopped by for dinner that night and noticed the necklace when she pulled her hair back into a clip.

"Is that new?" He asked in an effort to lighten the conversation, which had been about what had gone on in family court that day.

She subconsciously clutched the Semper Fi medal hanging from the chain in her fist, as if defending it. Afraid she would lose it. Barba didn't mention that, and she took a deep breath and looked at him.

"Oh uh, no..I've had it for awhile." She managed a shaky, small smile.

"Are you ok?" He asked gently, and when she closed her eyes..she could hear that question in Elliot's voice. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

"I'm fine Rafa, I just..it's..it's nothing, don't worry about it." Her voice cracked and she hoped it hadn't shook.

"Liv, I'm your friend, I care about you..I can tell when something's going on."

"You already know, I might lose my son, we've been talking about that all, all week" She took a shaky breath, trying to hold in her tears.

"Liv" Elliot, no..her ADA responded gently, but his tone had her choking back a sob.

How many times had she heard Elliot's gentle voice comforting her, asking if she was ok, pleading with her to talk to him when she tried to brush off his concern with "I'm fine"

"Liv..talk to me..please"

"I just told you"

"Yes, we've been talking about Noah..but the minute I asked about the necklace you got..I've never seen you this upset before"

She broke into tears then, and he held her in a friendly embrace as she sobbed. He didn't say anything, instead giving her a few minutes to let it out. She wiped her tears and started to get off the couch, now ashamed of herself for the effect Elliot's death still has on her, even after 7 years.

"Liv..you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'm here for you, you know that"

"El I'm fine, I promise, I just need some time alone, you should go home..your kids need you." She cried without thinking. Barba stood up and walked over to her, confused as to not only her reaction to his question about her necklace but also who in the world was El? And why did Liv suddenly think he had kids.

She broke out of her daze and realized what she had said. "Oh god, I, I'm sorry Rafael can we please just forget I-"

"Liv, slow down, take a breath, it's ok. Whatever this was, you needed to get it off your chest." They were both silent for a couple minutes before he spoke again.

"Who was he Liv?"

"Huh?"

"El..it seems like you were pretty close to him."

She looked down at the necklace, the words "Semper Fi" staring back at her, almost as if telling her it was ok. Like her beloved partner's spirit was there in the room, holding her steady. She turned to the other man she considered her best friend, no one could EVER replace Elliot in her heart, but the ADA had a special place in her heart too. She knew he cared about her, and hated to see her upset. She took a deep breath before responding

"El was..Elliot Stabler..he, he was my old partner. We worked together for 12 years."

"He wasn't just your partner was he?" Barba carefully responds. "There was something deeper there."

She wipes a lone tear and closes her eyes for a moment. Then nods. Exhaling shakily

"I loved him..more than I should have. I loved him so much..it scared me" she took out her wallet and pulled out a picture, the same one that had been in the frame, and handed it to Barba.

"Did he love you?"

She swallowed another lump that formed in her throat and tearfully whispered

"Yes. He was married and we were partners, we couldn't act on our feelings but yes, there was a deep, strong love. We just never realized it at the time, not until it was too late."

"Too late?" He studies the picture, trying to guess what may have happened.

She clutches the medal again, knowing she'd need its comfort as she recounted the hardest day of her life.

"There was a shooting, 7 years ago, at the precinct. El he, he saw the gun being pointed at me and-"

She chokes back a sob and looks away from him, clutching the medal tighter.

"Oh god Liv, I'm..I'm so sorry"

"He put himself in the line of fire, at the last second..and the next thing I remember is him on the ground, and-

She's struggling to control her breathing now, and tries to close her eyes to block out the memory of that day.

She falls into Barba's embrace again, sobbing into his shoulder as she lets out 7 years of heartache, grief,pain, lonlieness, in one night.

She manages to take a tearful breath.

"I was clutching his hand, begging him to stay with me but, but I could see him fading when I looked in his eyes. I knew I was losing him and, then suddenly he..he squeezed my hand, and I leaned down and he said, he-he said.."

She lets out a sob before continuing

"His last words were 'I love you Livia, more than you'll ever know' and then-he took a long breath..and then.."

"Oh Liv" Barba wraps his arms tighter around her

"He went cold before I could finish telling him I loved him back..I, I don't even know if he heard me"

"He heard you"

"How do you know?"

"If he loved you enough to throw himself in front of a bullet knowing he wouldn't survive, knowing he was leaving his family, leaving you but that you would be alive..there's no way he didn't know he loved you back. And there's no way he would blame you or want you to blame yourself, ever"

"How did you?-"

"I KNOW you Liv, maybe not as much as Elliot did, but I know you enough to know you're beating yourself up over what happened that day."

They were silent for a few minutes, his hug was comforting, not as much as the comfort she longed for for the past 7 years, but she knew he was trying.

"So..the necklace was his?"

"Yeah, he..left it for me in a box he had put together while writing his will..I..I'm sorry I didn't say that earlier it just, it still hurts you know?

He nods and she wipes her tears that just seem to keep coming.

"I haven't even been to the cemetery since his funeral..being there, alone..especially without him..I..I just can't"

"I can take you"

"Oh Rafa i couldn't ask you to-"

"Liv, you're my best friend and you need closure, I've got tommorrow off. We can go and stay as long as you need"

She is quiet for a minute before whispering a shaky "ok"

"I've gotta go tonight but I'll call you in the morning. You can let me know when you're ready"

She walks over to the door and stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Thanks, for tonight I, I haven't been able to talk about him in a long time..it was, it was a good thing"

"Anytime Liv, goodnight"

Then he was gone, and with an aching heart, she put the photo back in her wallet.

But she went to sleep still wearing the necklace.

A/N: I love Olivia and Barba's friendship and can definitely see him comforting her like this.

Next: the cemetery visit brings some surprises and much needed closure.


	3. Chapter 3

Her sleep was pretty much uneventful. It was her first night in a week she didn't wake up from a nightmare about losing Noah, or lay awake worrying about what would happen. It was oddly peaceful, until about 4:30 that morning.

She felt someone shaking her awake gently, and there was a hand on her forehead, brushing her hair back. She thought it was Noah, but when she opened her eyes and her vision slowly cleared, no one was there.

"Liv"

She heard a deep, gentle voice whisper. Deciding she was just hearing things due to exhaustion, she closed her eyes. A few seconds later, she heard it again.

"Livia..it's me, it's El"

She opens her eyes and stares in disbelief at the empty room, how is she hearing his voice? Is she going crazy? The voice was clearly Elliot, and she could still feel someone's hand on her cheek.

"Elliot?" "Where-where are you? How are you here?

It's then that she realizes she's still wearing his necklace and notices that her bedroom is starting to smell faintly like his cologne.

"I can't stay long honey, I just wanted you to know that I'm ok and that everything's gonna work out, I promise."

"Work out? Wha-"

"With Noah. You're not gonna lose him sweetheart, you're a wonderful mother and the judge will see that. I'm so proud of you, and I promise you'll get through this. You're the strongest person I know, and that little boy is lucky to have you as a mother. You'll know what the right decision is, I know you will. He loves you liv and he knows you love him. And so do I"

She tears up then, because it feels so real, like he's really there. Comforting her like he used to. A sob escapes her throat when she speaks again.

"I miss you" she cries out into a seemingly empty room.

"I know honey, I know. I wish things could be different, but even though I'm not physically there with you, I didn't leave you. I'm still here sweetheart. Always."

"I know you are"

She feels like she's losing her breath as she feels him fading.

"Take care of yourself Liv, And please don't blame yourself for what happened. It was not your fault. I love you. No matter what"

More tears fall when she closes her eyes and swears she sees his smile, that warm, loving Stabler grin that she loved and missed so much.

"Goodnight sweetheart" she hears, and feels and feather light pressure on her forehead, as if he had given her a kiss.

When she wakes up, sunlight is streaming through her windows and the clock reads 10:30. She feels more restful than she has in days and when she looks in the mirror, she can see dried tear tracks on her cheeks, and her hair looks smoothed back instead of the usual 'just got out of bed look' as if a hand really had been brushing through it. She goes to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and notices a text from Barba.

I'm awake and can pick you up whenever you want to go. Want me to bring breakfast?

She smiled, glad to have such a supportive friend, and texts him back that she slept in and they could just get breakfast on the way to Queens. She also had a text from Lucy, saying she wanted to let Olivia sleep and that she had taken Noah to school and would take him to the park later. She couldn't help but feel guilty when she read that, as his mother..she should be the one taking him. She texted Lucy thanking her and apologizing for sleeping late, and to tell Noah she loved him.

Today was going to be hard, but she was glad Barba was going with her. She didn't think she could visit Elliot's grave alone. She kept the necklace on, she was definitely gonna need it today. To remind herself that he was still with her in spirit.

It was around 1 when they arrived at the cemetery, after having lunch and stopping at a store to buy a flag and a plaque that said "eternal friends" to place at his stone. He probably wouldn't want flowers, but she felt like she needed to give him something for his heroism. He had saved her life, and she hated that he made that sacrifice, hated that it meant he was gone. Still, she loved him as much as she did back then. She hadn't been here in 7 years, but she remembered exactly where his spot was and as the car slowed down to park near it, she could feel her hands shake and struggled to breathe.

"Do you want me to walk over there with you?"

She shook her head. "I-I think I need to do this part on my own if you don't mind.

Barba squeezed her hand supportively as she got out of the car and walked to wear her partner's stone was.

Tears sprung to her eyes when she found it. And she had to sit on the grass in case her knees buckled beneath her. She was silent for a few minutes as she placed the flag in the ground and leaned the plaque against the stone. She looked at the words then, trying to catch her breath and find her own words.

Elliot Stabler

"El"

Our father, our friend, our hero

Forever in our hearts

1961-2010

She touched her hand to the stone and traced his name, before walking around to read the back of it.

Dedicated soldier. Dedicated detective. Loyal partner. Loving father to his children:

Maureen, Kathleen, Elizabeth "Lizzie", Richard "Dickie" and Elliot Stabler Junior "Eli"

Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.

She leans her head on his stone and closes her eyes for a moment.

"Hard to believe isn't it?"

A voice says from behind her, and she turns around.

"Kathleen?"

"Olivia? It's..it's been awhile"

"I didn't see you walk up I'm sorry I just-"

"Olivia it's ok, you don't have to apologize for being here. I know dad was important to you too, he was important to all of us"

Kathleen wiped a couple tears that had filled in her eyes and kneeled down next to her dad's stone with Olivia.

"I can't believe it's been 7 years"

"Me neither" liv's voice cracks as she tears up. "I probably sound selfish and needy, but I could really use him right now. I could use his guidance with some things I'm going through and then I remember that-" she holds back a sob "that I'm the reason he's not here to give that support in the first place"

"You're not still blaming yourself are you? Liv, dad loved you more than even he could admit, he wanted to save you. It's not your fault. It's the girl who shot him. We don't blame you, and he wouldn't either. He would have done the same thing in a heartbeat for any of us kids because that's the kind of man he was, when he loved someone he loved them unconditionally, and would do anything to keep them safe." Kathleen's voice cracks as both women lean up against the stone, crying.

"Yeah..he was" Liv manages a tearful smile and kisses the front of the stone where she's leaning her head against. They are silent for a minute, 2 of the most important women in his life sit next to his grave, remembering him and mourning their loss.

"He's up there watching over us now, I just know he is" Kathleen looks up at the sky, as if searching for her father.

The wind picks up as Liv takes a shaky breath.

"I wish we could hear his voice one last time. Or anything, you know? Just, a sign of some kind. I wish I could ask him what to do, what the right decision is, I wish-" Liv breaks and sinks against Elliot's stone in heart wrenching sobs as the snow starts falling. Flurries flying into her hair and on her face and coat. Kathleen notices the flakes too, and with a tearful breath whispers

"Thanks dad"

Olivia sniffles and tightens her coat around her as she notices the snow.

"Kisses from heaven" *

"What?" She looks at Kathleen, unsure if she heard her correctly.

"My grandma, our mom's mom, used to say that rain or snow falling on your face was a sign of your loved ones sending you kisses from heaven. I know you might not believe in this stuff the same way we do but..it started snowing when you said you wished you had a sign." Kathleen chokes on a sob "this is it"

Liv's heart melts and she smiles tearfully, laying her head back against the stone. Letting the tears fall as more snowflakes gather on her skin.

She runs a hand through her hair feels what she thinks is paper. Tears continue to fall on the stone as she stares in disbelief at the note that had been carried with the snow and landed in her hair.

A/N: gonna split this up a little. Next chapter will be the note, Kathleen and Liv talk a little more. Then a short epilogue. Thanks for reading 3


	4. Chapter 4

Liv's heart melts and she smiles tearfully, laying her head back against the stone. Letting the tears fall as more snowflakes gather on her skin. She pushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear and feels a piece of paper. Tears continue to fall on the stone as she stares in disbelief at the note that had been carried with the snow to her and landed in her hair. Written in handwriting she hadn't seen in 7 years were the words:

Your instincts had my back for 12 years sweetheart and saved me countless times. Barba is right, you can trust them. I always did. Always remember that I love you very much, and I'm always with you. and tell Kathleen I love her too. . ~El

The words make her smile, and she stares at the note, speechless.

"You ok Liv?"

It is then that she realizes Kathleen is still there, and her head snaps up.

"Uh, yeah, sorry I just-" unable to find the words, she passes the note to Kathleen, who looks at it for a couple minutes before looking up at the sky, trying to hold back a sob.

"I love you too daddy, I love you too."

Before either woman can say anything else, Kathleen's phone rings in her coat pocket and as she answers it and walks back to her car..Liv can see a hint of worry in her eyes.

She stands and looks over at Barba, still sitting inside the car. He gives her a smile and sends her a text:

Take all the time you need, don't worry about me, I've got the heat on and plenty of games on my phone :)

She chuckles slightly at the idea of a hard core attorney playing a game like angry birds on his phone while he waits for her. She sits down next to Elliot's stone again. She notices that it's still snowing some, but despite the frozen flakes that have landed on and around her, she doesn't feel the cold. She wonders if her partner is somehow keeping her warm in spirit. Kathleen is still on the phone, leaving Liv alone again at her partner's resting place. She takes a deep breath before leaning her head up against the stone again.

" Hey El." She pauses before continuing. "I don't know if maybe Kathleen is right and you are watching over us, and maybe you can hear me. Maybe I'm just crazy and talking to myself but..I got your note. If it was your note um. I'm rambling, I'm sorry" She swallows a lump in her throat and tries to hold in her tears, trying to get her words out without crying. "It's not the same without you you know? SVU isn't the same without you as my partner, forget that..my LIFE isn't the same without you in it. Period. It's been 7 years already and I still wish this was all just a terrible nightmare. That I'm gonna wake up and get ready for work and you'll be in the car outside my apartment to take me to get coffee and some breakfast before we go in so we can avoid Munch's substance he calls 'coffee'" she laughs a little and smiles at the memory. "That I'm gonna get ready to go for the day and you'll offer to drive me home..reminding me to blink my lights so you know I'm safe" She sniffles as a couple tears escape. "Maybe Kathleen is right about you watching over us and you've seen Noah? He's such a sweet, happy little boy. His life before I found him was hard, not at all how a child's first few years of life should be, but I'm amazed by the boy he has grown to be in the past few years. Course if you are watching over us, you already know that right? Maybe the note really WAS from you..I guess if it was, you know what's going on. You really think I can trust my instincts on this El? Am I too quick to judge Sheila? God I wish, I just wish you were here to figure this out with me. I wish I could invite you over for takeout, and we could just talk one more time you know? About anything I just-" Her voice cracks, but she wills herself to continue. "If that WAS your note, then I guess you know who Barba is. You were always very protective of me when it came to other men being in my life El but, Barba is good to me. I promise. Maybe you know that already. He's..a great friend..he's my best friend..but El he's not you, he will never be you. I don't think anyone could ever replace you, or what you meant to me." A sob escapes her throat. "It hurts.. without you El, I miss you so much it hurts and I..I know you wouldn't want me to blame myself..but I just..why!? Why did this have to happen!? Why did you have to go!? Why did you have to sacrifice yourself like that!? We could have just..you didn't have to-to-" She is struggling to control her breathing now and when she closes her eyes, she sees their final moments together. "I'm sorry El, I'm so sorry I did this to you, to your kids, to..I'm just so sorry." She pauses to give herself a minute. "I wish you could come back, more than anything, even for an hour, even for 5 minutes. I wish you were here right now, holding me, I wish I could see your smile, look into your eyes. I'd give anything." She pauses to take a breath. "If you ARE watching over us, if you can hear me right now, if you're listening..then I hope you know how much I love you. Because I didn't get the chance to tell you, all those years we worked together. And it's been tearing at my heart because you told me, you told me you loved me as you were fighting for your life on the floor of the squad room and I-I didn't tell you in time and I-" another sob. "I was so worried that you would never know, that I loved you just as much, that you meant the world to me. But then I think after 12 years you HAD to have known right? After Gitano? after I came back from Oregon? Everyone thought we were too close. Everyone saw it but us. Well just in case..I love you Elliot Stabler. I did then, I still do and I always will…. You know you told me the first year we met that we were partners 'for better or worse', well you were right, you will always be my partner. No matter what separates us, because you still have a place in my heart. And you always will…..El i-I'm gonna go, to give Kathleen some time with you. I promise it won't be 7 years before I come back I just..I was too scared and I wasn't ready to accept that you were really gone but..you're not are you? That's why you gave me this necklace? As your promise to always be there when I needed you even if you can't be here for real?...I love you so much El, and I miss you more and more everyday."

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to the cold stone, lingering for a moment before standing up, folding up and putting the note in her coat pocket, wiping away a few stray tears and looking up at the sky.

" Semper Fi" she whispered tearfully, kissing his medal lightly before heading back towards the car, feeling heartbroken..but peaceful. It had stopped snowing and the sun began to peek out from the clouds when she uttered those words,the rays shining down on his stone and following her as she walked as if giving her a sign that everything was ok. That he was watching over her and was holding her steady as she went back to the car.

She notices that Kathleen's car is gone and her phone buzzes with a text.

Hey Liv it's Kathleen, got your number from the guy who brought you, had to leave due to a family emergency. Would you want to grab lunch later this week to catch up?

Sure, that would be great! I'll text you when I get home.

She gets back in the car and rests her head back, sighing and closing her eyes for a moment.

"You ok?" Barba asks.

"Yeah..I am..it-it was hard but I needed it. I'm sorry I took so long."

"Hey I told you it was no problem, like you said, you needed this."He pauses for a minute before smirking, saying "Besides, I managed to beat my highest score on angry birds and candy crush so it was worth it." They both laughed lightheartedly and as they drove away from the cemetery, Liv looked out the window at Elliot's grave in the distance, clutched the medal close to her heart and with a shaky smile whispered "I love you El."

A/N: a little shorter than originally planned , but I decided to give Liv a few minutes to herself.

Next chapter-Liv and Kathleen catch up during lunch, and Noah will make an appearance..so it's a little less depressing :)


End file.
